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That 70s Show Episode Quotes
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God, what did you have for breakfast this morning, Carnation Instant Bitch?
I think we need to take you out for some dirty bad fun!
If you dance with Mary Jane you get your toes stepped on, that's right.
Panties! Glorious panties! *Evil laughter*
You're really brickhouse.
I weigh 80 pounds! Look at you! You know why I'm bald? My body is eating its own hair!
I love cake.
I may be skinny, but you know, I'm Mick Jagger skinny, and that's very in right now. Yep, it's very hot.
She like jammed her entire tongue into my mouth, and you wouldn't think a girl had that much tongue!
She was old and the shock of her grandson telling her she's nasty killed her.
Hey, I'm Hyde, I don't have any feelings 'cause I'm just a frizzy haired robot.
Well boys, I'll tell you. It was as if in one magic moment the 2 people Donna and Eric ceased to exist and were replaced instead by one perfect being: Donricformciotti.
Mom, was Dad abducted by aliens and replaced by an identical creature programmed to love?
Donna, I think by "cute", you mean ruggedly handsome.
Oh yeah, that's the other thing, after we do that thing, I don't really feel like an Eric. Uh yeah, I think I feel more like a Stan or a Chuck or a... Maverick.
Kelso, we've been over this, there's no crying in the circle.
You're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee.
Actually, Mrs. Pinciotti, Mr. Pinciotti, it's something I need to tell you... Sorry I almost threw up, I'm fine now. You both know how much I respect your daughter, how much I love your daughter. And uh funny thing about love, ha-ha funny, is uh sometimes we express it in a physical way.
You know, I just don't know why my dad doesn't want me to work. I mean, yeah, I'm a real bad boy, Donna. My big teenage rebellion is to get a job. Ooh, you never know what I'm gonna do next. Oh my God, look out! He's got insurance!
Oh God, then I guess I have to come clean. Okay, in the 1st grade, behind your back, I used to call you Donna Pinch-my-buttie.
I'm Red. I don't like parties and I'm a big, bald, party pooper.
Golly Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your black mass.
I could understand you not wanting to stay home with your children, you already have such a fulfilling career as a whore.
You know what, I should've known you were lying. Sure Flipper was fast, but turtles don't just run away.
Hey, Hyde! Welcome to the bachelor life! You know, without Donna, I realized I can revert to my natural state. I'm dirty, I'm lazy, and I don't wear pants. I'm just like you!
You know, I did notice a dusting of curly hair on the floor. I just wrote it off to my changing teenage body. (about Hyde moving back in the basement)
I use it! Everyday! It's my bat cave! (about the basement)
Donna, it's hard, it's not like being friends with Hyde, okay. I haven't, you know, touched his fun parts... well, on purpose.
Well, if it isn't...Kooky McShrimp Lover.
Yeah, yeah, just... look, please, no talking about me, okay? And no looking at my naked baby pictures either, they're... misleading.
Laurie saved up all her money so she could buy a back massager, which isn't fooling anyone by the way.
Oh there will be details-a-plenty in my steamy letter to "Penthouse"... Okay, my mom's still behind me, isn't she?
Me? You spent all night making out with Little Miss Can't Find a Bra.
Hey Hyde, is that you? I didn't recognize you without Skankarella hanging off your face.
Well if it isn't the dillholes of Christmas past, present, and future!
Kelso, I appreciate the advice, but your solution to every problem is "do it with her".
Well unfortunately, Penny is my cousin. That would be like looking at my mom and thinking "Hey baby!"... Well I'm just gonna stop right there.
Look, I don't know what the laws are like down in... Florida. But up here, the cousin lovin' is really frowned apon.
I don't color outside the lines often, but when I do, jump back Loretta!
Kelso, she wears the pants, and they have never come off.
Gee Kelso, why the sudden change of heart? Oh, maybe its because the "Apollo rocket of love" blew up all over the launch pad?
Hey Hyde, this is a cool place for a party. It's already trashed.
You know, Hyde, at first I thought your father was a real dirtbag. But I've come to realize that there's a fine line between dirt bag and Father Of The Year.
Damn you Alice Cooper.
Oh but Fez be warned, if Bob approaches naked Midge, look away. Oh for the love of God, look away.
"You're...You're gay! (Buddy: Me? No, I'm not gay.) You're not? But y-y-you just kissed me. (Buddy: Okay, I'm gay).
Well, I have it on pretty good authority that I'm a dumbass.  
You know what word is funny? Pickelweasel!
The truth is out there man, it's out there.
Cartoons make me horny, oh and food.
If you really do love her, there's only one thing to do man: You gotta dump her and live free!
Why cuddle with her when you can do "it"?
Yeah I do have bitchin' cheekbones. Okay, let's blush!
Technically were in the basement of the lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here.
College is for ugly girls who can't get modeling contracts.
A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthing off.
What is it now? Do you want me to drop out of high school, join the Salvation Army and go off and fight wars?
No, forget rings, you wanna score with Donna, use my Super Funk 8-track.
"A Song For Jackie" by Michael Kelso: You may think this song is stupid, so I made a call to cupid. And he told me to put my heart out on my sleave, so we can retrieve our love from the trash trash trash.
I didn't mean to cheat, but she forced me, she down right coerced me! ("A Song For Jackie" Part 2)
Put the short leash back on me! ("A Song For Jackie" Part 3)
Jackie please take me backie, I'll get the knacksie... ("A Song For Jackie" Part 4)
Alright! Green Jell-O. Hey, Jackie, try some. I heard green stuff makes you horny.
Alright Jackie, slow down. Okay, wearing lipstick is one thing, but a gown? That's kinda fruity.
We can't fight these feelings anymore, Donna. We've been doing this dance all night. And God I'm tired of dancing!
I have the 3 things that woman want, I'm hot and I'm smart.
I'm what's known as "man pretty".
My second girlfriend is such a drag.
Hey! Uh, puffy shirt guy called, he wants his puffy shirt back!
Yeah, I'll stock this shelf. But some day I'm gonna dance across this whole city! (imitating Travolta)
I'm leaving Brooklyn Mr. Formanelli! And when I get to Manhattan, I'm gonna be a star! (imitating Travolta)
Oh, nice try, Jackie, but the reverse psychology's not gonna work on me. My mind's too powerful.
Smoke detector? Does that detect any kind of smoke?
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is 3 words, "I-don't-know." "Where are you going?", "I don't know." "What are you thinking?", "I don't know". "Who's that under you?", "I don't know." It's bullet-proof.
Rudolph had a girlfriend, her name was Clarice. She thought he was cute! Okay, if anyone was gay it was that Herbie guy. No straight elf has hair like that.
Fondue you love me?
Hey guys, I've been thinking about getting a perm. Hyde, can I get the number of your guy?
I've heard of "kissing cousins", but have you ever heard of "doin' it cousins"?
It's hard to explain to you kids that have never had sex before. But when you're with a woman something chemical happens to her. Now Jackie's totally different, she's like my love slave. Oh yeah, I'm that good!
If ham is Canadian bacon... then what the heck do you call bacon?
Girls must really like astronauts, 'cause it says here they get all the tang they want.
Look, she's beautiful, she believes in me, and if I can get her to put out, it's 3 out of 3. Right now, it's 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% ain't gonna cut it.
I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks.
If this van's a-rockin'... we're in there doing it.
This is an El Camino! That's spanish for The Camino.
Who cares, your soul is like an appendix I don't even use it.
So Eric, isn't your sister hot?
Fez you can take care of jackies body, I'll take care of her mind.
In 1974 Miss Alabama started thinking, do you know where she is now? Alabama.
As Mr. Dairy Princess I would like to give milk products to all of those in need and then some day I would like to rule an entire hot chick Dairy Kingdom! 
And you know what else? My hands are huge! They're like boxing gloves! I am the greatest!
Don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for Eric. 'Cause I'm gonna kill him! Can someone please open the door so I can kill Eric?!
You can kiss whatever you want, start with your own butt!
I'm here too, doesn't always have to be about "the twins".
Well, hey Eric, don't you want your balls back?
I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me like slut rabies.
Red's not a jerk, he's an ass! You're an ass, 'cause the ass doesn't fall far from the ass tree!
I can feel all the molecules in my body! Wow, I'm gonna count them 1, 2, 3...22, 23. Wow, my hands are huge! Oh damnit! 1, 2, 3...
You have a little yellow bird on your ass!
You sneaky little dillhole!
Silk sheets...Joe Namath's butt...strawberries...slow dancing...the washing machine with an unbalanced load.
Eric, relax. We've lived next door to each other forever. You could've had me when I was four.
Listen, you worm! I am not your slave or a waitress or your damn maid! And don't get all Archie Bunker-y on me, or I'll kick your ass to the moon!
What does Fez have going for him, except an incredibly sexy accent and an extremely hot body?
Well Eric, you know, that's okay, 'cause I was the first one to call you Eric Foreskin.
Last night he took me out for Putt Putt, and tomorrow, he's taking me on a hayride. Fez is so charming! You know, I can see why Caroline is stalking him.
Oh! Oh! Oh, good for him. I'm glad he's dancing with a beautiful... skank!
Eric?! What the hell?! Why are you kissing her?! You're on a date with me! (Eric: It wasn't a date.) Well, it is now you bastard! Now come open my car door for me before I kick your ass!
I mean, we don't go to her town and try to outwhore her. She can't just show up all hot, shaking her butt around our guys. If our guys are gonna fantasize about moisturizing anybody, it should be us.
Empty pool, empty house, full keg. Sure know how to show a girl a good time.
Listen Eric, if you're that much of a sore loser I'll say I'm on steroids.
Reo Speedwagon's coming in next week. I'm gonna see if they'll sign my boobs.
Do me a favor. Next time you're going to do something weird, give me a little more warning...so I can brace myself...or tell you to back the hell off. Because no matter how much I love you, that was unpleasant. 
2 girls driving around in a phallic RV handing out things you blow, what a great country. (about the Oscar Meyer Weenie Mobile)
Don't worry I also made brownies for the "straight-folks", or "losers".
Forman, I'm a romantic, that's why I say choke him until his eyes pop out.
It's from Hell, and not even the cool part of Hell where all the murderers are either, but the lameass part where accountants are from. (about disco)
That's the price you pay for docking your Love Boat in Jackie Vallarta.
There is no gas shortage man. It's all fake. The oil companies control everything. Like there is this guy that invented this car and it runs on water man. It's got a fiberglass air-cooled engine and it runs on water!
I can't believe they are wasting all their money on this stupid disco when they could buy a really big bag of...caramels.
Punk is the annihilistic outcry against the corporate rock & roll take over. It's the soundtrack to the revolution, man!
Welcome to Camp Naughty Bad Fun!
She's not a goddess, more of an earth mother whore type, which works for me.
Wise man once say, Know thy self. That man's name...was Tator Nuts!
The 3 true branches of government are military, corporate and Hollywood.
You don't have to die to get to a better place, just drive 50 miles in any direction.
I think that maybe Forman and Donna finally made the beast with 2 backs.
Think about it, a world full of Kelsos. Libraries will fall into disrepair, there'd be feathered hair as far as the eye could see, we'll have to put padding on every sharp corner.
No, no, see I'm an original, a Warhol. You're just a print.
You fed us a crow? You're not supposed to eat a crow, man! You just brought some bad juju on us all! We ate somebody's soul, man!
This is gonna be great. I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey. (about being a member of the Partridge Family)
You are so going to end up in porno!
Hey, let me tell you something, pal! You're propping up a dying system, man! 'Cause, see, someday soon, people are gonna wake up, and they're gonna realize that most of us don't fit into your Hollywood, Madison Avenue, candy coated ideal of what's cool. And when we do, we're gonna rise up! We're gonna put you on a trial! Then prance through the street with your head on a stick!
Oh yeah Laurie, and what exactly do you do? Oh yeah, that's right, the Packers!
I'm going to explain my feelings for you through a highly disciplined form of Japanese poetry, Haiku. 'My heart aches with pain. When I see you I vomit. Die away from me'.
He went to work for the police... developing high tech handcuffs to restraint people with tiny wrists.
Yeah, I never thought I'd be a working man, man. But man, here I am, working for the man. You know what man, I like it man.
Hey Leo, man. Huggy Bear called. He wants his suit back.
Kelso, Rudolph was small, had a girly voice, and I'm pretty sure he's a little light in the hoves, if you know what I mean.
The floor is real shiny, and I see your hiney.
I don't have a "guy" dumbass. This righteous moss is a gift from God.
Hey, can we get a move on, huh?! If I miss that 20 midget free for all I'm gonna be super pissed!
Oh no poor me, all alone in my big house. Just me and my nighty. If only there were some scrawny little neighbor boy here. (imitating Donna)
Where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins.
Hey I'm Forman, I use the same voice to imitate everybody.
Isn't it ironic that "titalating" has the word "tit" in it?
It's not the devil man, it's the government. Yeah, the government puts backward messages in our music because they know rock & roll makes us horney!
The establishment doesn't want us having sex. They know it makes us feel good, right? So if we can feel good on our own, what do we need the establishment for? So, every time we have sex, its a huge protest...
I think I feel a huge protest coming on. 
You know what would be a good job for me? Gigolo. The loving is over. Now, pay me!
Don't resist me mama, it's boogie time!
I am so excited about "Star Whores".
Good day. I said good day!
This suit is for leisure, but many times I wear it to get down to business.
Opportunity does not knock, then knock again, then leave a note saying "sorry I missed you".
Not to worry Kelso, the puberty bunny will visit you soon.
Forman has a thing for Shelly, and it's in his pants.
Trick or treat? An apple? Where's my candy you son of a bitch?!
Why is everybody but Fez in love? If I dont get some romance soon I'm going to give myself a blister. Well, another blister.
Cake is good but you can not have sex with cake...of course you can not have sex with Donna either so...
Oh hello Grandma! Oh, in my village we worship feet, and these dogs are a holy treasure.
My gosh, Buddy, with a car like that, you must be knee deep in whores.
Look at this. Jackie brings four different types of mascara just to please Kelso. And what does Kelso bring? Another woman.
Look at this debauchery. This is the smelly underside of a once great nation... Ooh yum, candy apples!
People are so friendly around here! Two women on the corner just offered to have sex with me!
Jackie, I'm just a roller disco machine, and I don't work for nobody but you.
By the way, Eric, if your mom ever says "Ready for your cathader", the answer is "No".
Then riddle me this? What does Batman know about girls? Slides down a pole and lives with a teenage boy, enough said!
Oh Eric, you do not buy soda. You only rent it... You know what I mean... I mean you pee it out.
I'm Red, dumbass! Where are my muffins, dumbass?!
Oh boy, here comes trouble. Caroline! I was just offering my girlfriend, Donna, a sip from my straw. We don't care about germs, since she has had her tongue in my mouth.
Since the ballet class I have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow I became one of the girls, a hairy brown girl.
My bible thumping host parents wont give me an allowance because I am a Pagan.
The Fotohut, huh. I can really 'picture' myself there. That job and I will really 'click'. I am on a 'roll', of film... Don't be so 'negative'.
I would love to make love to an 80 year old. They must know everything, and not just about sex, but history and trivia too.
(Holding 2 bowling balls) Hey guys, my balls are black and blue... My balls are finally funny!
This is outrageous! The closest I have come to sex was when the football team pinned me down in the shower and made me kiss my own ass!
Look at that foreign bastard cracking up the whores.
That Thomas is shady. But have you noticed, he never says what country he's from?
Oh, it's right behind the Get Bent Memorial. So get bent, dillhole!
God gave me a perm too, but he hit me below the belt.
Oh no! Dick Tracy is trapped in a giant clam! Farewell sweet dick.
In my country, a shirt like this would make me lucky with many girls.
I can be evil. I hate you!... Oh Eric I don't hate you, I love you. I'm sorry.
He did kill Midge! And I never got to see her naked!
I always thought my joie de vivre was in my pants.
I am so cold. The snow has stolen my manhood.
How come the foreign guy has to play the shepherd?
Okay, let's review. First Jackie says I am funny..Then she eats popcorn from my groin...no, it was meant to be.
Guess who I'm going to ask to the Prom? My English teacher... Why not? She's always writing sexy comments on my homework...see: 'Nice work', 'Good effort', 'See me', 'I love you'... Okay, I made the last one up but the others were real.
Let's find Fez a dirty housewife to love!
Oh, Hyde, watching you fail over and over, it is like Charlie Brown and the football.
Sometimes when I'm alone, I just like to cuddle. 
Androgynous guys are so manly!
It's so romantic, just like "West Side Story". Only without the dancing and the Puerto Ricans.
Donna, stairs are not gonna stop a high school horndog, barbwire will not stop a high school horndog, a wall of fire will not stop...
Look, the sooner you realize I'm a genius, the better off we'll both be.
Michael, get Eric some ice... For that wicked burn, burn, Eric, burn, burn!
"Zen"? Okay, you can't just make up words, Hyde.
You know when Fez talks he sometimes rolls his "Rs"? Well, that's what he did in my mouth!
That is so typical, as if every women wants to spend her life as a pampered house wife raising kids and organizing the help. Wait? Isn't that what every women wants?
I hate that show. Okay, they have these comercials that you think are real, but they're not real. And then you wanna buy the stuff. (about "Saturday Night Live")
Please look at me. Hey! Psst, I love you, Steven! I have secret love powers. Look at me! (inner thoughts)
You see, Buddy is in the rich kid clique. They mingle with the jock clique. Then you have your smokers and your heads. Ok? Rich kids can be smokers, and jocks can be heads. But jocks can not be smokers unless they're rich!
Oh, Michael, you're the best doll I have ever had! You know what? I have the perfect gown for you.
Bowie wears dresses! Joe Namath wears panty hose!
Oh God, Michael, in that dress, you are way prettier than Bowie!
Hey Fez, I just made up a poem. Do you wanna hear it? There once was a guy named Fez... who had a really cute butt!
Oh my God! He called me a bitch and you hit him. That's what happened, isn't it? I am the bitch and you love me!
I am not getting a job. A job is for poor people. I am a rich person who doesn't have money. Big diff.
Now, I don't know who "Fica" is, but that bitch stole like 10% of my money.
Yeah, we'll show Penny with our new sunlamp tans. How dare she come into our town and try to out-hot us.
Donna you're no help. I need someone like me who is cursed with beauty!
Not only am I beautiful and smart, I even crack myself up!
Yes Donna, it does count as a national emergency that my hair is flat!
Donna, don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
The world needs people like you, you're the grey that makes the color, "me", pop!
Foreigners can't drive here unless it's a cab.
No, I don't really cook much. I just plan on getting by on my looks.
Michael I invited you over for a sleep-over not a do-it-over. 
Oh dear God. Rosemary had a better baby than me.
Um, honey, I put some sandwiches in your duffel bag, now, um, why do you need such a big bag of oregano?
All familes are embarrassing. If they aren't embarrassing they're dead.
A car is not a bedroom on wheels!
Honey, honey, pretty girls don't throw up.
Oh sure, all good hosts feed their guests bandaids.
Cut the crap Eric! I am a nurse. I know that 1 in every 5 teenagers smoke. 1,2,3,4,5! Now, I'm going to close my eyes and when I open them there had better be a cigarette between these 2 fingers. Come on people! Hop to!
Dear God, thank you so much for helping me quit such a filthy, disgusting...soothing, delicious habit.
Eric, I put him in his Corvette, tuned the radio to a hockey game, and handed him a beer. I've done all I can.
Oh, please. Eric's body is bald as can be. You know, I don't even think he hit puberty until about fifteen!
Why should I care that my sweet baby boy was defiled by some jiggly red haired tramp! What I can't figure out is how she tricked him into it.
Honey, honey, really, I'd rather walk. When I ride the bus in my nurse's uniform, people always show me their scars.
Well, they're not gonna do anything wrong because I brought a box of activites to occupy their time! Ha-Ha! So, um, be good and have fun! Do crafts! Not drugs!
No! Partridges? You can't live in a bus! There's no toilet.
Well, I am sorry Eric, but I agree with your father. School is your job. Oh, and also to be my precious little baby boy!
Good news, Red. I just took Cosmo's 10 Ways to Please Your Man in Bed test, and I got 9 out of 10! But I didn't get number 3 because I'm a nurse and number 3 is icky.
Okay now, if the Miller twins are fat, be nice. But if they're still thin, I don't want to hear any hubba-hubbas or remarks about "doubling your pleasure". Remember, it's my reunion, I am the prettiest girl one here.
No, not tiny, dainty. (about Eric's wrists)
See now, look, my little prince is going to the ball.
Well, I will say this about Pricemart, they have wonderful balls.
Red, I thought we would get something we both would enjoy, like a necklace!
And you! Grabbing strange rear-ends is no way to meet a nice girl. It's rude, ungentlemanly behavior that will not be appreciated by a woman of class... And thank you for the compliment, it made my day!
You know what I would like for Christmas? No more talk about you putting your foot in other people's rearends.
Now don't be a porky-mouth!
(to pet goldfish) Don't look at me, "Mrs. Paul" killed these!
Well Red, until I see you make some kind of effort, I'm just going to keep bringing it up... In the middle of every newspaper you're reading, every nap you're taking, every football game you're watching; I'll be there talking, talking, talking, talking!
There is plenty of time later to get a job to grind the joy out of your life.
Would the special birthday boy like a special birthday present? (looks under the covers) Oh, its already unwrapped.
It's Sodom and Gomorrah with a subway..
Oh, my God, I'm married to The Grinch! I'm Mrs. Grinch!'
Hey, turkey boy, wanna show me your giblets?
You know I love my family. It's just sometimes I wanna get in the car and run 'em all over!
I don't need to kiss some old lady's a-s-s on my holiday. You heard what I spelled.
I don't have to have a reason. It's right. I'm your mother. Now move.
I wonder if the Pilgrims were clever enough to put peanut butter in their celery. 
Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you.
You don't have bad luck. The reason why bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
It's about the rules. And without the rules we all might as well be up in a tree flinging crap at each other.
What are you going to put on your resume: "dumbass"?
The last time I was this close to a Japanese machine it was shooting at me.
Yeah, and if a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he hops!
What a bitch a-roonie-doonie.
No beer?! You... Oh, that's it Kitty! You've killed me! I see the light! What's that lord? It's okay to eat meat, and beer, and cheese? Okay! I'll tell her!
Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Kitty, I 've got 2 stages : anger and drinking. (about the 5 Stages of Grief)
We have different responsibilities as parents. You're job is tell him that he's cute and clean his ears. My job is to make him a man, which he's not.
Well I have a prank too, one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go horribly, horribly wrong!
His head looks like a poodles ass. Boy, just when you think you've seen everything...
How would you like your keen eye to watch my sure foot kick your smart ass?!
Oh Kitty, don't tell Eric that we're coming home. If he's doing something wrong, and we both know he is, it's important that I catch him... Because it gives me pleasure.
How would you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
You're going tomorrow night, and you better not go stag, Eric. There's nothing worse than an 80 pound boy dancing with his mommy all night.
Now think about it, Kitty. She likes Bob. I have a hard time believing this woman even exists. We're gonna get over there, Bob's gonna be sitting in a rocker with a lady's wig on. "You look lovely tonight Bob", "So do you Bob".
Let me tell you a little story about 3 bags of dog crap. One on the front porch, one one in my mailbox, and one in the backseat of my car. All from people who are so upset about losing you that they are willing to find, handle, and bag dog crap.
If I had mistle-foot it would be in your ass.
Look at me! I'm Whip-cream Head! Fear me! All fear Whip-cream Head!
Well, just reach in and give it a rub. That's the thing about fish, they just love the feel of the human hand.
I'm not raising any flippered grandkids!
Only quitters quit.
Yeah, Eric. You do look like the Riddler. He's a dumbass too.
Kitty, we have a Betamax... we're better than normal people.
Gilligan screwed it up, he always screws it up. Why don't they just kill him?
And I'll tell you, something's going on with that Skipper. You don't get that fat eating coconuts.
Steven, you're 18 now. It's time to start being a man. And the first rule to being a man is you gotta spend your life doing crap you don't wanna do.
So you just be grateful that your Dad doesn't yell at you 24-hours-a-day! And don't give me that look, because this isn't yelling! When I yell, you'll know it!
And we're all having a happy damn Thanksgiving!
Hey, I go to church. . .just not during televised sporting events.
Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.
Hippity hoppity Easter's on it's way...Well, I was hoppin down the old bunny trail when some guy offered me $200 for the Vista Cruiser...So, I sold it to him.
His name was Peter. Peter...Cottentail... Hoppin down the bunny trail. Hippity Hoppity Easter's on it's way!
You know Jackie, I've been a father a long time, so trust me when I tell you this... The Mustang's front end is problematic. Get yourself a Firebird.
I won't love anyone I'm not legally required to. 
I'll tattoo you for free, man! I'm pretty sure I used to do this for a living.
Promise rings, concert tees... "other stuff".
No! If you kids cant make it, who can? Tell me! Who? Why God, why?!
Oh wow man, look at all these nuts intermingling in one bowl, it's like Nutstock, man.
Whoa cool man, I remember my wedding. It was magical man. Chicks and booze everywhere.
Hey, I'm Leo and I'm also a Leo. Think about it.
You could use the Fotohut, man. I'm always happy to lend it out for deflowering and bar mitzvahs.
Alright! I got the ski instructor! He's hunky. (playing the Mystery Date board game)
Hey, I know her, man. She's not all there, if you know what I mean...She's missing a toe.
Well I don't expect alot, man. Pretty much if the hut doesnt burn down, its been a good day. And even if it burned down, man, it's cool, 'cuz I've got 3 or 4 more of these little huts somewhere. Hey, listen, if you see one of these huts, could you give me a call, man?
Whoa! A picture of a Fotohut! Hey, that'd be like art or something, huh?
Hey, listen, man. I hope you don't mind if I pay you in cash. I dont like big brother getting into my business, ya dig?... My big brother, man. He's always hitting me up for money.
You know what they say, Rome was built in a day.
Are you sure you wanna get in the Fotohut game? It can chew you up and spit you out like a stick of gum, or something that seemed edible 'till you put it in your mouth and then you realized it's not, or a stick of gum.
This pageant's your chance to spread some Christmas spirit, and that's contageous like VD.
Just take a deep breath man....and visualize yourself breathing. 
Daddy, Eric has dirty magazines under his bed. Daddy, Eric snuck out last night. Daddy, I saw Eric drinking all your beer. Daddy, Eric made it hard for me to concentrate so I flunked out of college! Daddy, Eric used all my hand lotion.
Hey don't forget to show her your GI Joe dolls!
What is it with you? You've been acting extra losery lately.
Vandals you say? Hmm, where were you last night Eric?
Hey Kelso, I had a dream about you last night. Yeah, we were doing stuff, and it was all hot and sweaty. And I just kept screaming your name over and over again. Tator nuts! Tator nuts!
Hey little brother, nice tent.
And bless Mommy, and bless Daddy, and bless Grandma. Oh, hi Daddy!
Mom, if Daddy gets a job, can we stop eating dog food?
I'd hire you, Daddy, especially if the position was world's best father!
So I just said to myself "I don't care if all I have is dirty laundry and no money. I'm going home to see my parents because I love them very much".
Mom! You know I'm on my water and yogurt diet.
You are a dirty, dirty boy Eric.
But you're the baby, and mama loves her baby.
This is AquaNet. This is the stuff Farrah uses and she's married to Lee Majors. So AquaNet, very important.
Listen twirp! Did you ever think maybe it's not that she doesn't want to have babies? Maybe she just doesn't want to have your skinny, whiny, girl-trapped-in-a-boy-body babies.
So Eric, are you going to get yourself some "Star Wars" pajamas now?
Okay eric, first of all, you were a mistake. Ask mom and dad. and second, if I did steal it I'd tell you to your face, and then i'd steal it more.
Stop being such a little girl and do something bad for once! 
When you've been together as long as your father and I have you need to do creative things in creative places.
You're father's an ass!
When Bob get's tense we take a bubblebath together. Soaking my naked body really relaxes him.
It's all about female empowerment, it's called the Woman Warrior - Fighting Female Stereotypes. That's the professor, isn't he cute?!
Is this a true story? (about "Star Wars")
Women have to pretend to be weak and fragile so that men can feel superior... Oh honey, men don't control the world.
You can't tell me what to do, you big...ass!
So it's a stand off. I won't shave my legs, Bob wont shave his back.
Donna, your negativity is bruising our auras! Please leave.
Sometimes Bob pretends he's a plumber. I call him Buster. He knocks on the door and I answer it in my teddie. And he says, "Does the rich lady need any help around the house?". And I say, "I know something that needs attending to in the bedroom." I'll spare you details, but it ends in whoopie! 
Joanne tought me alot about lady orgasms. They've been around longer than I thought.
Eh, you kids, standing around the driveway. It's so darn cute. You know you may not realise it, but this is the most fun you're ever gonna have.
Hey it's the '70s, men can hug... Come on it's Christmas...Hey look! Mistletoe!
Ah, crazy foreign bastard.
Well, you keep your eyes peeled and your pencils sharp because you're gonna see how a serious business man operates. Oh good, the clowns are here!
You better not say what I think you're gonna say, 'cause I'll be mad. And funny think about mad, ha-ha, is sometimes I express it in a physical way.
Oh, and honey, we're also exploring tantric sex, so if you hear any strange noises coming from mommy and daddy's bedroom...
I did all the right things. We had an open marriage, experimented with drugs. I even threw nudist parties.
I'm always in favor of lying when it comes to children.
Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Clause! I know what I want for Christmas!
Therapy? That's for crazies!
One thing I've learned, midgets make money. I don't know why. People see a midget, they want to buy a blender. I guess it reminds them that life is short. Ha-Ha! |
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